TBC

 

The world is full of stupid people

doing stupid things for stupid reasons,

And you’re looking at one of them right now...

People in general are disappointingly predictable. Regardless of age, social class, ethnicity and value system, most people are similar in their private motivations and their seemingly selfless but ultimately self-serving actions, which stems from a place of deep insecurity.

I too, am no different.    

What a person is today are the results of their past experiences. Like most ‘intelligent’ animals, we are driven chiefly by pleasure and repelled by pain, on the physical and psychological level. Pleasure and pain are both different sides of the same coin, which means we can’t have one without the other. Besides satisfying our basic needs, as social animals we also seek recognition, admiration and acceptance from our fellow apes, whether they be kin or community.Therefore to be abandoned, betrayed, ignored or treated with contempt are just as painful if not more so than to be physically wounded. After weighing the costs and consequences,we become more mindful that certain actions bring pleasurable outcomes while suppressing less acceptable ones can avoid painful repercussions. That is how our public personas are shaped as a way to achieve or secure a. However, this suppression, usually of our personal proclivities and idiosyncrasies especially during our developing years would then give rise to irrational habits, obsessions and phobias.

Ironically, to avoid psychical injury to our self esteem from feelings of embarrassment, humiliation and a sense of worthlessness we inadvertently do ‘stupid’ things that brings about the events or situations which sets these negative feelings upon us in the first place.

I’ve had my share of ‘stupid’ things done in the past for ‘stupid’ reasons. That I did not, due to childish immaturity and plain insecurity, honor and reciprocate the goodness and affection of some past friendships and relationships, still gnaws within me even after all these years. Of course, opportunities to make right with a simple kind gesture or at least to be less judgmental of others who are essentially like us, trying to figure things out as we negotiate through the unpredictable and treacherous terrain of life, are now gone forever.

In quiet times, one is left alone to ponder on how good the way things were or could have been if one had only overcome one’s own foolishness.  

Our past, real and imagined, hold secrets, stories or incidents that are submerged and lingers beneath our consciousness. They rise to the surface uninvited and untimely in fleeting, scattered or in episodic segments that pulls and pushes us helplessly like drifter caught between the ebb and flow of ocean waves to and from the shorelines. They come as reminders of our connections to peoples and places at various stages of our lives.  

Also at this age, I had to finally face the reality of deaths, of older friends and neighbors and recently, a family member. I do feel a smattering sense of loss and sadness, brought about by a heavy realization of the transitoriness of life. But this keenly felt anguish for the passing of something and someone close to the heart is temporarily assuaged by recollecting moments of joy and tenderness shared over the years between kindred spirits that were somehow brought together by fate and fortuitous circumstances.

As consolation, at least the good times we had together were genuine and we did not do worse. Beyond that what else is there left to say?

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Sirens from a distance its just,,, 10.45

Seems like every night in Sentul somethings not right

I’m alone in this empty room and it stinks from all the

memories I thought I’ve left behind

But I’ve still got you on my mind

 

I thought I’ve laid that ghost to rest

I thought I’ve said all there is to say

But like 17 storey s come crashing down, That’s the sight I have of you and I

That’s playing in my head

And it just won’t go away

 

I don’t know whats keeping me away, from myself

I don’t know whats keeping me away, from you

I don’t know what to do or say when everything is so cliche

Words gets in the way, there’s nothing left to say

 

Nothing left to say